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The Agony of Anorexia

The Agony of Anorexia
Writer, 13

My story started last year. I was twelve years old, 5'3", and 150 pounds. Then, around Thanksgiving, I got mono. I was so sick that I lost about twenty pounds. Once I weighed 130, I realized that it was possible for me to lose weight, so I told myself that I had to reach 115 pounds. But I hardly ever ate so I lost fifteen pounds in one month. By January I wanted to lose more weight and by February I weighed 103 pounds. Everyone started noticing how skinny I was and asked what was wrong. I told people I was still sick from the mono. My mom was so worried that she went in my room every night and cried when she thought I was asleep.

Anorexia is awful. I lost all my friends, and I always wanted to be alone. I exercised and ran all the time even though I had no energy. I lost the guy that I had loved for three years. I put myself on a strict schedule so that I couldn't eat past five o'clock at night. I had to do everything on this stupid schedule since I also had an obsessive-compulsive disorder. I wanted food so badly that I dreamed about eating all the time. I was always sick and tired. I never wanted to go out since I knew food would be involved. My grades started falling. Also, I was talented in gymnastics, but because I lost all my energy I gave up everything that I had worked for. I loved to bake cookies and stuff but I would never eat any of them. The counselors at school started bugging me saying I looked unhealthy. I stopped having my period. I used to love swimming but I hated it now. I was always cold no matter how hot it was outside. My hair started falling out. All the kids were spreading around rumors about me saying that I was bulimic, but I wasn't.

My mom started taking me to doctors. When they weighed me I would wear baggy clothes and stuff bags of pennies in them so I would weigh more. She also started making me eat with the family at the table. I hid my food in napkins and under my mashed potatoes and stuff. My mom was always crying and I hurt so much because I wanted to get out of this so bad but I couldn't—it was just like a drug addiction. I was too embarrassed to ever go to see any of my old friends cause I had shrunk to 82 pounds. I was so bony that it hurt to sit down and I couldn't stand straight without experiencing awful pain.

One night I tried to commit suicide by taking one of my dad's blood pressure pills. I put the pill in my mouth, but I spit it out crying. I went to my room and cried and prayed for hours. I realized this wasn't how I wanted my life to be and that if my life was that bad I needed to change it. Recovering was very hard. It was so hard to gain weight even though I wanted to. Even if I just gained a pound it felt like bugs were crawling all over me. I felt like I was trapped in a cage, screaming to get out, but I couldn't.

The support that helped me to recover came from God and my family, and my mom especially helped me through it. I knew how much she loved me, and it hurt so bad to see her cry. I have learned that people do care if I live or die and that you shouldn't take even one day for granted. You don't need to go to the extreme on everything. I was very lucky. I am now healthy and very happy. My advice to other girls? If you have anorexia, ask yourself whether it is really worth giving up everything just so you can be bony and not have any energy or friends. Don't do what I did. You need to talk to someone and you need to look around and see that there are people who care about you. You don't need to beat yourself down. I almost ruined my life—don't make the same mistakes.

Last Modified Date: 4/20/2001
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