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Not Popular Enough

Not Popular Enough
Writer, 15

It's really strange the people you can fall in love with when the chemistry is right. I remember the first time I saw him. I remember thinking that he was kinda cute, and he's a sweetie too: Doug Jones*.

Doug was the guy that EVERYONE wanted; he was caring, loving, and when you spoke to him he made you feel like you were the only girl in the world and that no one else existed. He was one of the most popular guys in the school, and of course that meant that he could only date certain people: the bitches or the sluts (as everyone else calls them). Doug and I went to high school together, and he was on my bus. We soon became very good friends, but we didn't have much in common at school (friends, popularity, classes, seating areas), so the bus became almost a sanctuary for us to talk. It was our time, the time that we shared—ALONE.

Without fail, we sat next to each other all the time, and of course being the guy he was, I fell for him. We flirted, had a good time, and often joked about how much we cared, saying things like, "Oh, you love it!" and "I know!" I knew it was useless and that I would never have a chance with him. It wasn't that I was unpopular; in fact, I am. I'm just different. I am popular for my personality. I have a pretty face, I weigh like 75 kg (so I'm not thin), but I am just who I am. I wasn't in that circle of friends and I wasn't considered "the kind of girl" that he should be seen with. Personally, I have never given a damn what anyone thinks of me, I never have... well, I never had before this happened.

Anyway, I fell for him, madly, and I just couldn't get him out of my mind. I thought about him all the time. I decided that there was no harm in telling him how I felt, so I did. Can you imagine my surprise when a few days later, he told me that he felt exactly the same?! I couldn't believe it. He told me to call him later that night, so I did. That night he explained to me that he cared so deeply for me, but he couldn't be with me because people might say stuff. I think with those words he was basically saying, "You're not good enough, and because of that, you're not worthy of me."

I spent the rest of the night crying and trembling. He broke my heart for the first time. I took the next day off from school. I didn't want to face him and I didn't want to face myself. I went to school and faced the music, talking to him as usual and even once in class. Then he explained to me that he wanted a SECRET RELATIONSHIP, so no one would know. It wouldn't ruin his "rep" and we would both get what we wanted. He offered me the one thing I wanted in my life: love. The attention and the guy were a bonus. What I lacked was acceptance. I had no idea what to say, so I told him yes, of course. He was one of my best friends, and I guess that I didn't want to lose him or lose the chance for love.

Meanwhile, you are probably thinking, why didn't you drop him then? When you're the kind of girl that I am, you crave love and attention. I have a strong need for love... from anyone.

We've been together for almost two years now, and it has become sort of a game. Even if we're both dating people, we are still with each other at any possible time. He breaks my heart every single day. He doesn't accept me for who I am, my looks, my extra weight, and the person that he loves. He's always with another girl, which is a constant reminder of what I don't have and what I want. I've had one real boyfriend since being with Doug. His name was John* and I cheated on him 15 times with Doug. I couldn't handle it, so I broke up with John and told him that I needed a break. I love John more than anything. I gave up something else I love for someone who loved me more than he ever will.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all of this: all of the tears, the memories, the secrets, and the lies. I hope it is. I have two years behind me, and a long life ahead of me. I want a real love now. But I need to know, where the hell do I begin? I've forgotten what true love feels like, and I have forgotten what I am supposed to do. Maybe he is worth it. Only time will tell. I haven't told a soul until today and it makes me wonder, what if someone finds out? What happens then?

It's kind of strange, the people you can fall in love with when the chemistry is right...

*Name has been changed

Last Modified Date: 1/10/2001